I am not a serial killer

How shall i commence my chronicle, what shall i tell to people, the same old stupid words that gets published and fawned over year after year........Outside it was a melancholic winters day.snow mantled the mountains above the town, mist billowed down the broad river ,covering like a slow falling quilt the valley in which lay the quiet, mostly empty streets of ------ . Through the chill beauty of the morning, a few figures clad in the motley of cold day clothes scurried, then vanished. The mountain turned from white to grey then disappeared to brood behind black cloud. The town was passing into gentle sleep, like lost dreams snow began waltzing through its hushed world.All of which is totally beside the point, for what am i really trying to say is that it was as cold as a nuns cunt and probably just as dry....... GOODBYE TO ALL THAT.......This scribe, si me, writes in colours, more precisely, i suspect i feel in colours and i don,t mean,i am going to wax on about wine-dark sunsets or the azure glory of a still sea.. I do mean to suggest that my words take on hues that sometimes overwhelm me, as if the world and everything in it was a consequence of colours, rather than the inverse. Does the wonder of colours redeem ' the horror the horror' of this world. To be honest perhaps because of my crude-style, its many deficiencies and limitations, my lack of schooling. you can probably guess this will not be a remake of the myth of orpheus, but the story of a sewer rat made worse. I am a cunt and my words will be poor, my writing lacking the majesty of Conrad, or the command of Nabokov...Believe me when i tell you i will show you everything. I,ll make words my way, be fucked if i don,t, for it is not Lake poetry or Ovid... But it will be the worst i can do, and like no other has, rough words with a soul will always be open to me.................... 1969 DEC 12 A. M. When a day that you happen to know... Is a friday... Starts off being... A sunday...Then there is... Something... Seriously wrong... Somewhere.. .Odd sense of lightness... Today... Yesterday... About Three o clock... The one... The obverse of the other... Arkansas pronounced... 'Arkansas'... Ubiquitous encapsulation... The chief... The super chief... The el capitan... Never pause there...1969 DEC 14 P. M. Dead kittens are trying to unlock... My back door... 1969 DEC 23 P. M . Recognised everywhere... Respectfully... 'Little spells'... 'Afflictions'... Old self... Again... My dog was torn to pieces... By tiny facts... What he wanted... It was... So safe... I assumed she saw... No one... I should of... Persevered... Do you?... I was referring to FB... This raffish way of life... Permanent Monitoring... Illusory of course... Her death shortly... Afterwards... Passed... Virtually unnoticed... By now there was still... Tumultuous nights... 1846... No... Not her... How can i trap this transient thing... Questioning Fascination... A major work... Jesus betrayed you... Addicted to revenge...1969 DEC 31 P. M. She blamed... Her menstrual cycle... Ordinarily meaningless... When i,m dead... Put me in a plastic bag and throw me in... The gutter... The silly old... Cunt... Everyone needs... One... The violence of cells... Hilarious... As It is tragic... My naivety... Almost obscene... Conveniently Perverse... The merry widow waltz... At Maxim,s... Until dawn... Ospreys in my hair... My throat ablaze with diamonds... Is it a tearjerker... Of unparalleled misery...197O JAN 1 P. M. My illness... Has reached its climax... Answer me?... A cluster of white mountain tops rising gracefully... Greek temples... Why did you say that?... And yet?... Evidence Objective... Dance... I am dancing... Unnamed Unknown Un Un Hun... What were my dead fathers names?... Heavily built... And not very tall... And she limped... When she walked... I tried to catch it... It was tricky... My eye misjudged its position... Because of refraction... It floated out of reach... And was gone... But he could,nt be sure... A hatless pale man... With a face...1970 JAN 4 A. M. Nothing... Happened... Several days had passed... Perhaps even a week... I was a child... What?... Yes... Probably deserved no better than this... But why him?... It had started raining... What shall i wear?... Turquoise hair-lips... With overgrown vaginal hair...1970 JAN12 P.M The reluctance with which... This was pronounced... And the hairspray... Stung... And he used to question me... About my heterosexuality... Ava Gardner?... Cyd Charisse?... Lemmy from motorhead?...Do you know?... This elegant room... Was once used by Oscar Wilde... He wanted it night after... Night... The pain was horrendous... But after the initial shock... Indeed you are very kind... How big is it... Can you let me have those... In black and whites... Who else will?... A modern adventurer and romantic......1970 JAN 27 A. M. Who,s this?... Thirty nine snares protected... H is property... Eventually he won a retrial... And a windmill at Montaux... The edge of long island... Playing at incarceration... Traces of life and despair... The jewish mafia... Twelve pages from his scrapbook... When he calmed down... Another time perhaps... An American photo-journalist... Pity him... Or see why he died... 1970 JAN 27 P. M. There was so much food... I,m not interested... In you ... Replied dismissively... Made it on the sofa... Upside down... ( Plainly )... Longing for today... Like so many others... Invigorating Sometimes... It was midday... The sun was very strong on the white road... But i havn,t got any morals... Naturally... Death... Can be life... Enhancing... Had an awful cough... Then she became a recluse... Based on the broadway show... Nice to hear...1970 FEB 2 P. M. got back safely... I assumed that he saw no one... Time passed... And we had changed... Some idiot hid the wine... FB continued to be unpredictable... I don,t know... Indiscreet Bastard...Happy... Fathers day... I thought of you... Twice... He may have been hurt... Two fellatio lessons... I wondered if he felt rejected... Afterall it was whit sunday... Never again... The inevitable... Was left unpaid... But her company was so intoxicating...1970 FEB 6 A. M. Wednesday last... I think... Likened to Cocteau... It is a falacy... That chinese food acts as blotting paper... She replied... 'Of course we do... Friday night... Without fail... This happened on countless occasions... I won,t... Be going anywhere tonight... With the vain hope... Vain in everyway... She declared emphatically... Why should i want... To do that... And with a flourish he pissed off... A sadistic pleasure... Unconscious in the fish... Sensing i could ill afford it... I left my passport... Thrice... She,s absolutely right... Muttering Myself... Instead he resorted to the foulest... Obscenity...1970 FEB19 A. M. Opposite the coach and horse... Three friends from north... Devon... For the sarcasm escaped them... This was a big dissapointment... Shattering... Yes please... Location... Staten Island... Is it not?... Come closer... Listen... Illuminate... A paltry moment... Whites only... A bruised talent... Never far away... Who will i be like... The fleshy part of the thigh... Someone has just walked over my grave?... Where did i go wrong?... Tell me... Elegant she is not... And further on... Towards the lake... How did it start?... My one true companion... Canticle one... It followed me... You,ll have to become rich... Or a whore... Give and take... Gazing at the flowers...1970 FEB 20 A. M. So this... I thought... Daydreamed all day... Arrange your face.. You know that substance abuse... Its divine... Knows nothing about betrayal... The dust was awful... Girth... Just thick enough... Went in a treat...1970 FEB 20 P. M. Beautifully neat uniforms... Soiled of course... Deranged... At the prospect... Imagine if... It was always like that... You,d never ask for another... Especially the purple ones... Big Disappointment to me... Of course you can... Only takes eight days... And five nights... Cheap at half the price... And he never takes... No... For an answer... Stick it in....To the left a bit... Awwwww... Never the less... Take him shopping... Thirty eight pounds... A gramme... Published it christmas time... And nobody complained... They always said he could walk... On water...1970 FEB 21 P. M. I turned... The heating up... And the curtains were drawn... They whispered... Through out the night... Smile won me over... Heals far too high... Nobody cares... Thats what i said... I can,t have you... Today... Or tomorrow... The goulash was good... Never even entertained the idea... It was a bitter pill... To swallow... No matter... What you say... Fortnightly is too long... Especially in those shoes... And the mascara ran... Blood Coagulated... Everywhere... Overjoyed... She told me.. Never again... Now she entered a period of calm... The family always second... Even on tuesdays...1970 FEB 22 A. M. They met through his older sister... Muriel... He was over... Friendly... I didn,t like the way she looked... At me... When i was introduced... Why don,t you ever... Turn up... Once in awhile... The loss... Must have been... Desolating... FB concealed it... At the time... Maintain your privacy... Nine inches... At least... Good God... Never complained...1970 FEB 28 P. M. He had some good wins... Nobody would tell her... Yet he had such self-assurance... And the people he knew... From then on they were inseperable... The light came on... And he swore an oath... Of allegiance... Nobody trusted her... After that...1970 MAR 3 A. M. In the mornings... Legs wide open... Determination Official... Threw himself into the role... Plenty of salt... On that... Kept cutting her toenails... It was black and... Blue... The kitchen... In the first instance... And then he put talcum powder on it..1970 MAR 9 A. M. In a dickie bow... Who could neither read. .. Nor write... No one ever understands me... Flinch... Suffered from aids... Another sister lives nearby... Antique furniture... Every sunday... Dry white wine... She killed them... All... In the family way... Someone remarked bitchily... As soon as he got... A cheque book... Great beaming smile... They shared a bed... Who would say such a thing... But he didn,t want that... Lively young and street wise...1970 MAR 17 P. M. Reinstate Totalitarianism... I was given it... By mistake... Which he never understands... Yes... Of course... Well i don,t... Too close... For comfort... Possessiveness made me uncomfortable... Japanese pornography... In cold blood... Hairs all over it... I felt inadequate... Annoyance Considerable... Do you realise?... People are passive... Did i say that?... Less as he grew old... Why don,t you phone... Sometimes... As new brooms tend to do... Looked at me... With dismay... Ultimately two shells were found...1970 MAR 27 A. M. Near the seaside... With an empty space... On the side... The usual bits and bobs... On another occasion... Enthusiasticly Debonair... Where shall we go for lunch?...1970 APR 6 P. M. The Warsaw pact... This may be the problem... I braved it... Gourmets one and all... Dampened somewhat... I do.. Seventy seven... I corrected him... I think theres some... Mistake... Somewhere... Not with that sardonic look... On your face... But my feet... Ache... No... You,re not... Oh... Yes i am.. Thats lucky... The stuuyvesent building... New York... Tone cleanse... Then moisturise... With devil,s spit... So do i... Tree lined avenue... He was known... For his equanimity... Sometimes as many as four... Bit tight.. And it hurt...1970 APR 9 A. M. Sunday mornings were the worst... Lambs to the slaughter... Nobody knows... Thats what i told him... He was kept... In an upstairs room... Out of the way.. For me... This was a marvellous moment... Yes we had... Confirmation... The realisation... That i was being mocked... My nipples... Were so hard... Whose smile equalled F Bs... At that precise moment...1970 MAY 15 P. M. A few weeks earlier... Adding mockingly... I expect it will hurt... The women adore it... No... When he pulls it out... But i,m squeamish... Bleeding typical... Of that generation... The most unlikely of people... Never... I mean it... And she was one of my closest friends... Such as... I don,t know... Everything felt normal... I found it... Annoying...1970 MAY 16 A. M. The prospect of a book launch... You are not... Making... Me look cheap... But as i expected... Was a matter of principle... I just don,t want too... I expect its an aesthetic thing... Really... Does,nt really work... With a thong...1970 JUN 23 P. M. As if she was... The guest...Of honour... Invariably... Ends in a rash... Infallible as she was... It captured the moment... Never was in doubt... Tempted though... It was not in his nature... To love... Introduced us... In a timely fashion.. Who died in 1917... 1926 and 1919.. Genorosity Considerable... He resented everyone... What is wrong with you?... Nothing.. I,m getting dressed... Why don,t you try and fit in?... You,ll need at least three... Bit wide... Wider... Shove it in... Ultimate adjunct... To any boudoir... Retching over the wash-basin... Dragging it... Became raw... As if he hated... The stuff... Inseperable... From her spiritual dereliction... This was echoed across tennessee...1970 JUN 29 A. M. She had no idea... Its horsey country... By whom... He had two daughters... And three sons.. A glass of brandy... At a very young age... Are you being rude?.. Which i intend to borrow... From my auntie Audrey... Partly because of his asthma... A commonplace relationship... How many are there?... I was amazed... Though he denied it... Vehemently... Even so... She hated the brutality...1970 JUL 4 P. M. He started to tug at his collar... I shall examine it later... Resembled an upright ironing board... Thanks... She felt it had hardened...1970 JUL 19 A. M. He neither compromised... Or rationalised...Usually devoid of sentimentality... That helps to explain... Everything.... Thats how they do it... Over there... Bloody foreigners... The more the merrier... He,s only just... Sold it... Could not have been older... Than fifty five... He found her... So sympathetic... In your dreams... Though an intelligent man... He really had no friends... At all... Attitude Opinionated... Cruel and tactless... Easy to upset them... I imagined... Some kind of noose... 1970 AUG 1 A. M. Then she made an extraordinary claim... I was hardly aware... I, m exhausted... How dare you... It must of been an intellectual tradition... Some of them... Were in the lavatory... He made a stabbing motion... It was,nt at all honest... She was startled... I always remember him saying... Dum-de-Dumb-de-Dumb... Shocked by the proximity... My ambition... Is to do nothing...1970 AUG 17 A. M. Composing... Poison pen letters... To charles... Mistaken attempt... To die... Utter nonsense... An opera singer... Got goosed... It must have been two years... Ago... In a double bed... The days flew by... Without me realising it ... I was crying... On the journey home... Was soon discarded... With this sort of entourage... In tow... In case of orgies... Lets spell it out... Then spend it all... In constant demand after that... Who was?...1970 AUG 28 P. M. Sheets were stained... With her blood... Took him to the ballet... Now i think... Why on earth not... Taught me a lot... My teacher... Oh... Think i,d better meet her... Got on... Like an house on fire... Irate bridesmaids... Which included two daffodils... In my wages... He told me... Then realised i was in a rocky position... Came in with five sailors... So they all sat on the bed... From then on... She supplied him with constant sums... Of money... The best thing is to swim...1970 SEP 21 P.M. The one with the pope... killing an owl... Oh yes... Quite different... Rarely dated anyone after that... Debacle... I am rather disturbed... Thats good news... Then i moved to a villa... On the hills above... Monte Carlo... Never was able... To track her movements... Its the constipation... This obsession... With uniforms... I do hope... You are feeling a lot better... No... Its a long way to Istanbul... Expensive Terribly... Is it hard... Considerably bigger now... Even so... Still substantial... The snag was i needed it the same day...1970 SP 27 A. M. Privately... He had no manners... It almost wrecked... Her marriage... To something... I had not expected...To feel so dirty... He stole them... Again... Patronised... Obscured... In the high grass... I fell into her arms... After that.. What can i say... Came back from work... At three... You,d better see what,s in the other room... First... Fancy doing that... At his age... Claimed he was the man... Underneath... Its hard to tell... The sycamore tree gets in the way...197O OCT 3 P. M. He avoided meeting after that... A most understanding letter... Sympathy Terrific... This involved nine toes... And four feet... They hadn,t slept together... But in this... I might be naive... They had enough problems... Already... In her overcoat... With a thermos of mullitigawny soup... You hurry back... He discarded the phone... They were dismayed... At the idea... 1970 OCT 16 A. M. He took a razor blade... And slashed it... She took her undergarments off... The smell was horrific... You rude man... This memory... Became sacred... An accident... He knew paradise... And lost it... What does it matter... But that is unimportant... Divided into two... Heterogeneous parts... In his early childhood... It lasted... only an instant... Is that it... You ridiculous... Little man... 1970 OCT 29 P. M. The instant is a reciprocal and contradictory envelopment... Of the before... By the after... Silly... My thoughts are filled with meditations... On death... Put your clothes back on... And fuckoff... Metamorphosis is ambivalent... Inner climate... Which will be horror... Its a miracle... Corpses... To the point of orgasm... I did my shoelaces up... So that i would not see... My penis... Being eternally devoured... By fish... Permit me to caress you... Few... Are the moments when... I escape... Laughing ... And relating some trivial experience... Mathematics... Frighteningly exact... Of his enormous ego... Nevertheless... To move about... That is all... One lives ones death... One dies ones life... Has a foreboding... Just say it... Liturgy infinitessimal... All of his heroes... Have died... On all fours... Yes... Doggy... His mind... Would become overgrown with leaves... Knowledgeable shame...1970 NOV 5 A. M. He was changed... By ordinary... And quite real worries... The universe of the irredeemable... Darling... Please... What have you stolen... Everyday events... When unmasked... He changes... Into himself... And that can recur at any moment... In the presence of the person... I adore... Biting the dust... He is quite simply afraid... Of being caught... Turning inside out... Like a glove... Those erotic and occupational accidents... Have a meaning which transcends them... And killed a child... You fascinate me... He fears them... And only lives for them... Enchantment immortal... One touches... The ineluctable... They are much more... Than what they are....1970 NOV 23 P. M. He wants to die... Again... He abandons himself... To the instant... To the cathartic crises... That reproduce... The first insight... Carry it... To the sublime... Before or after... A paradox... I stake my life on a single card...1970 DEC 11 A. M. Capital punishment... Poetry... Orgasm... Roses... Spring from the scaffold... A little woman... Said to me... In parenthesis ... He is a man of repetition... Everthing is... Permissable... His original passion... Stolen time... Is cyclical... Written about... Recurrence eternal... Word for word... He has only... Or if one prefers... If we wish... To understand... Like so-called archaic societies... True facts of significance... Adrift in nature... He fondles himself... In the water... In the grass...1970 DEC 14 P. M. In short... What we might call... Ceromonies of transfiguration... Come to me... This is called... Regarding innocence... Belong... To be... With someone... Pure as milk... But more intelligent... Later... It is graven on his heart... Forever... Prostitutes himself... For what... Intercessors and vestals... Of this pocket religion... It will not change... His innocence... He came to know... Himself... 1970 DEC 31 A. M. Adults never weary of taking... Stock... Of what they... Got... A cruel hoax... He sees nothing... At all... The original state of grace... It consecrates... He enjoys it... He has to be careful... Unexpressed, Unnamable... Which is contradictory... Not his own... Elective of... Finites... Reformatories... Prisons... I will find my truth... In sophism... In ascetism...1971 JAN 2 P. M. I will never care... About you... Or be sensual... I cannot say... His destiny in particular... He has been made to learn... What he is... What he feels... Contradicts the truth... That he is... Not for them... Most beautiful period of his life... 1971 JAN 12 A. M. In a state of uneasiness... As far as you can see... This swooning fertility... Of women... To life... Born without parents... Forsees his destiny... I cannot say... But... He both hates... And worships her... Seeks to smother... Debase... Slightly nauseating... Stale smell... Emanating from her open mouth... Bountiful tenderness... You should... Casually slaughter them...1971 JAN 16 P. M. Incestuous encounter... Triumphantly imagined... A gesture... Of rejection... Beyond bureaucracy... He was brought into it... Covered in blood... Feels himself an outcast... A waste product... Condemnation... Abandonment... Inopportune... Superfluous... I hate you... But this social rejection... Is forbidden... A radical condemnation... Beneath the supposed innocence... Of elusive guilt... Handsome murderers...1971 JAN 23 A. M. Deep heaving bosoms... Fertile and delicious... It is a prophetic verdict... He is nothing... Wormed her way in... A crack has appeared... In the fullness of... His being... He possesses nothing... Does not quite belong... Can name them... Cannot take them back... Brought him up... Like a pink enamel toilet seat... Which is all he can... Be... Their honeyed smiles... Castoff of society... No purchase... It helps... To make a man of him... A Don Juan... Thats nice... Height of mis-fortune... Saintliness first.. 1971 JAN 29 P. M. . No gaze... Disturbs his original privacy... He lives... With himself... In a state of concubinage... He his feeling his way... And why not... He will use them... In solitude... But should his dress... Be polka dotted... Covetousness...I,m peculiar... Satisfaction... Imaginary Persons... Only... You... Will...Die...The mind clouds over... Everyone dies... By a fictive communion... Vacilitating... to be... Included...1971 FEB 27 A. M. Desperate efforts... Of propiation... As Barrault... Embodies Hamlet... In the act of... Possessing... It doesn,t... Matter... Need i say... That he is always about to... Succeed... Which makes him prefer nothingness... Imagination... To reality... Nothing is beautiful... Save that which is not... I,ll bugger the pope... 1971 MAR 2 A. M. Henceforth characterize... My inner tempo... The nature of poetic procedure... He never dreams... His imagination is a corrosive operation... That is practised on the real... And... As we have seen... A pebble dematerializing... Can see the light... Through... It... Spread... Multiplying for its own...Sake... Can,t understand... Virtuous masturbation... This is the key... Don,t you fucking believe it... His heart... Is... Possibly... In Cold storage... Interdependence... Of... Circumstances... Eclecticism of... Terror... Simple minded morality... Without turmoil... You... Chafe... Me...1971 MAR 9 P. M. He was... A person... Whatever happens... From... Now... On... Forever... Is... Mine... Prevent amicable liquidation... By the same tack... This person is a... Monster... Until the crises... Gives rise... First... To... Individuality beneath... The accusing finger... Adults have nothing... To be unlike... The others... Is to be like... Everyone... Other than...Him ... Huddle together in... Rapture... Praying to the same... Gods... It was pointless... Disassembles in order to... Reassemble... To isolate... Oneself... Is to withdraw... Deliberately... Into ones finiteness... Therefore to will... Ones own... Nothingness...1971 MAR 19 A. M. A time of... Happy repetition... Paralyzed surrounded... Does not want... To want... Is it... The maxim... An imperceptible unity... Of all multiplicity... Geometric contradictions... To do... Ones duty... Go... On... Jump... To conclusions... Quite... Contrary...To an extraordinary destiny... 1971 MAR 26 P. M. It... Is... An... inner... Uneasiness... Set traps... Negation... Seperation... Disintegration... Is natural... That is why... This is all... That is needed... My inattention... To diseases... Particularily... Complex behavior... Observed from without... No doubt... Progressively internalizing... First of all... Because... In the first place... It was only... An accident... Which is... Unlikely... This... In... Addition... It therefore... Postulates... The eternity... 1971 APR 1 A. M . A... practical point... Of view... Must take... Precautions... A future... That challenges ... Is both forseeable and... Unforseeable... In prose... The word... Dies... I cannot... Touch him... Without soiling... My hands... What are they going to do... They,ve hurt me... All these people... Looking at me... What a shame... Reciprocosity... Can be observed... And name... Themselves... Deciphered decapitated... Impossible and fascinating task...1971 APR 7 A. M. Even talks... To himself... Penetrate... The executioners lover... But generally this astonishment... Does,nt last long... Your age and your... Milieu... You... Twat... You deserve... What you got... What... The doubt... Malediction that was laid upon me... To contradict... To refute... Quite right... Unfortunate individual... Such and such...1971 APR 15 P. M. Man has been perverted... Let us get to the heart... Of the matter... Why... Hypothesise... They are degenerates... This civilised man... This bright new barbarian... Rid us of these... Debased creatures... The terms set... by society... Do not... Concern... Me...1971 APR 22 A. M. Even... Inner languages... The blurred transparency... of human meanings... Kafka,s monkey... Oh... N o... A way out... The palace... Of mirrors... What is to be done... Turn in... On oneself... Try to... Recapture... Lost innocence... Give it back... To me... But... To whom... To what... Prompt to condemn.. .1971 APR 27 P. M. Ready... For anything... They need.. A culprit... Let him... Mend his ways... What arrogance... One day out... Cunting charity...Luminous Phospherant... Strange morning... Swirls colouring... My mind... Enchanting... My soul... Unravelling... What... Was it about... Gentle radiance...1971 MAY 5 P. M. The same life... Over... And over... My past... My future... Indivisible... Who is that... Me... Shimmering spiralling... Unruly star-gazer... Bringing dappled... Light... To a dreary day... Not long born... With sorry vanity... Something more... Prosaic... Bad company... Worse drink... This monstrous pass... Find myself... Now... Character Fate... As ever incisively wrong... I am digressing... Thankfuck...1971 MAY 8 A. M. Believe consequences... Decomposition Constant... Reinvention... Heart of a... Compost heap... Intense amazement... It was... As if... My eyes... Are gone... Yet... It shone...1971 MAY 11 P. M. So what... Poor... Peasant girl... Sees madonna... Why... Doesn,t wish... To see... Anything... Else... I am... blind... Waiting... For a moral... Ain,t one... Do ... What we are told... Like i say... Not sure... Backs... Are turned... High-rise... Horrors... All this time... Budapest... Buenos aires... Contrary evidence... Endless dead... Futile querries... Truth... To be found... Riding a cock... Horse... To Banbury... Cross... Yeah right...1971 MAY 15 P. M. This cruel malaise... Of belief... Suffer you... Little adults... Disillusionment... Ongoing... Afore mentioned miracles... Every insult.... Receivable... Patina Pathetic... Verdigris Putrid... Vile curse... Yelling... Feeling better... Evidence... Rotten present... Lourdes... Water holy... Mummified... Egyptian cat... Speech rousing... Deliver... And... So... On... Unbeatable combination... Long... Lost family... Read this... Umbrage... Took... Go on... You cunts...1971 MAY 27 P. M. Sinuous body... Fit it in... Protruding Conga... Did... Do... A good line... Ceaseless Nantucket... Great leviathans... How much?... Resignation Romantic... Ersatz literature... More... Fictions sordid...1971 JUN 3 A. M. Bored... Of my... Capricious destiny... Pretended it... Was about... You... Are we... Safe?... Nor was it all... Bad... You might... Think... Hubris... Because... Dream fraudulence... Diversified Progressed... Exports won... The arse... Fell out... Some new lines... Ha... Ha... Ha... Canary,s... Dwarf... Overdone... Receiving absolution... Closed... Whatever... It is... Inside... I could... Make out a... Death... In the family...1971 JUN 3 P. M. Dusty... It was... Great aunts... Stubble... Archaic vigour... Certainly sir... I should have known... Better... I thought... I knew... Bright purple... Glow... His back turned... Contract the world... Corner of... Eternity... That moment... Bizarre looks... A bastard trumpeter... The more... I brushed... The more... It... Spread... Splendid... Disarray... Exotic interspersed unknown... With a rumpled script... Frail underbelly... Until... they too were covered...1971 JUN 4 A. M. Freckles... Glimpsed... From a plane... Disturbingly familiar... Yet... Alien... So... Gathered around... The campfire... More of F Bs tales... Resumed writing... It was... As if... In... The opposite direction... Upside down... Sat next to me... As it was... I jumped... There were numerous... Addendo... Crammed annotations... Press ganged... A hanging... Loved it...1971 JUN 5 P. M. Journal or diary... Open and shut... Case... Actual events... Chronicles of a nightmare... Was hard to decipher... Duty of sin... Against... Again... A gin... Describes conviction... This clandestine tale... Inspite of... Came into... Fashion... My... Intentions... Were... To this day... Spraying the meat... Nothing more... Overwhelmed by the consequences... Like all the other old... Cunts... Dentists chair... I had no idea... What was i going to do... I had to profit from it... Therafter inclinations of doom... Mine alone...1971 JUN 27 A. M. This bellicose man... Purports to tell... Me... Enchanted stories... The following night... I must admit at first... Light of my heart... Less inclinations... Hard to describe... That which... Is not... None of your business... A cat... Scan... Techniques seemed... Authentic... Rather than agreeing... Wished me... All the best... Completely discredited... I don,t care... I attest... Its genuine... I don,t care... Reputation was blemished... Yet undiscovered... 1971 JUN 28 A . M. My privates... Were black... And blue... Not just at odds... Conflict complete... Thursday afternoon... My hopes... Rise... Conversations Degenerate... He turned his back... To me... Teddy boy... Haircut... Waiting for... A reply... So do it... Nervous morning... Later that day... A sudden movement... Felt awkward... Its all... Topsy turvy... And... That too... Didn,t deter her... I said nothing... A piece of... Kitsch... Ball and chain... I was impressed... There was a tearing noise... My nostrils hurt... Trapped moths... Potentially lucrative... Doesn,t mean sex... To them... With what i felt to be an entire lack... Of respect... On the surface... At least... It ran downhill... Like glue... Erotic charge... Straight up... My back passage...1971 JUL 5 A. M. I had chanced... Upon a new line... Contented cartographers... Inside a Transexuals... Mind... What was known... An accordion... Of bad taste... Suffering students... My arse... Then he turned around... To face me... And masterbates... Ejaculates... Confetti... Dangerous Dandrufff... Hundreth time... What did i tell you... Twat... Being sufficiently dull witted... And pompous... Gave... Sly smile... Obscured by... Preconceptions... I had heard of such things... I was now determined... Not in that way... Wasn,t willing to admit... Phrase... That made little sense... (i e; Dead:)... Upon arrival... It sometimes seems... Love and liberty... Curious belief... Fundamentally Mysterious... Such bafflement... Mirrored each other... The authority... Of silence... 1971 JUL 22 P. M. Indulge... In nearby hotel... Amphibious Drink... From its hiding place... The same... And yet... The written word... Ten times louder... Impossible to tell which... No comment... Tattoo... Left breast... With such detail... Tallied with mine...1971 AUG 19 A. M. Alcoholic publican... A recidivist artist... Or a cunt... Thereby explains... Discover Astonishment... Choking... For want of air... Distorted Reflections... Heightened... Before i go... Any further... And here... I must... Make mention... Balls and bag... Badly bruised...1971 AUG 20 P. M. Even i... Hesitate... Stuck together... Wet and disgusting... With growing... Member... She became damp... Breathing... Sped up... Stumbled across... The pantry... That seemed... To mirror...Life... I go further... So peculiar... Before... I write it down... In this way... Illuminating self... Except... Two cousins... Removed... On my fathers side... Was no different... That evening... Beneath my fingers... Revelation Some... Every time... I had not... Hitherto... Changed Tack... Somehow missed... The point...1971 AUG 22 P. M. Sitting alone in the dark... Teased apart... with bleach... By the by... State of utter disbelief... The refusal... Disarming and trite... William Blake... Wandered off to the toilet... Cock retracting... There were no nipple tassels... There was no fish... There was no castles... It was... Also the beginning... In that way... Threw it down... Beset by... Vertiginous fear... Deafening roar... Worse still... Saw mom and pops... Copulating... 1971 AUG 29 A. M. I was losing... My grip... Death... Being mopped up... I groped you... That night... Pressed... To no avail... Abandonment... Dripped... All over me... My memories... My thoughts... Upended... Contagion Terrible... Love unrequited... A voice i had grown to hate... I had to face... The awful truth... My hair was on fire... On and on...1971 SEP 1 A. M. He went... No problem... New age wigwams... Breathlessness... Seized me... No desire... From her... Chest freezer... A miracle... Must happen... Stamped on its head... Two decades... Refused to countenance... Public humiliation... Dying of salmonella... I had no money... Who cares... Just fuckoff... Will you... Thanks... I began to suspect... Just a few drops... At this time... Not that i am... Unsympathetic... Would take a very small ferret... But i must confess... Unreliably... Granted was quaint... Suggestion Ventured... 1971 SEP 3 A. M. .Between 1789 and 1824... If we care to examine... Records historical... For the hundreth time... The depredations... Of a tyrant... Inglorious Insubstanciated... He hated... Apocalyptic fires... Recorded... Chronicle cataclysmic... Of such standing... Nor yet was it ever... Refuge took... This sad pastiche... I observed... Auntie maud... Fingering herself... Obsessively punctual... To a global eminence... Sufficiently dull-witted... And ill-mannered... I concluded our meeting... Curt dismissal... About to vomit... Literary Deceptions... Almost obscured... By a stiffie... Preconceptions... Limousine waiting... For us... Denied confirmations... Unremarkable turban... Little of this... Was helpful... As you may have guessed... Just do what you want... Pricks... All of you...1971 SEP 18 P. M. Because none of it... Accorded... Expectaions of what... Ought to be... At my expense... I wasn,t willing to admit... Stained and sticky... Dirty knickers... I took to drinking... And thats... That...1971 SEP 25 A. M. The undivinable oddities... Little sense to me... As it... Had... To them... Loss of identity... Choking on air... Memories... Inconsolable... Behind the staircase... Come here... No further... Make mention...Mirrors... Seemed to mirror life... Every time... Bottom of the sea... Paradoxically... Sit... Stand up... Straight... For the republic... Temporal Osmosis... Erections and skateboards... Delusion... Part of the plot... Nasal hair... In between my toes... 1971 OCT 2 P. M.She griped... In her cotton wool voice... I had lost... Something fundamental... Told to... Never return... I sat... Back up... Underpants off... Examination was perverted... Even frightful... Countenance my illness... No desire... To take up ... A Hobby... Strong aversion...1971 OCT 18 A. M. Public humiliations... Nothing to wear... It seemed not unreasonable... Implicit in his tardiness... And my waking hours... For a long time... I came to think... Waitingfor... A bread n, butter pudding Suffocating... Get of me... A mens support group... Waiting for godot...1971 OCT 23 P. M. Absent love... Describing lengthy tracts... Brief notes... Good and bad... Take your pick... Burden of responsibilities... Long before giving up... Has no human dignity... Decision Subsequent... No financial reward... Rude creations... I,ve often... Though i had hoped... We might... Madame Bovary... 'Cest Moi'... Explanation Obscure... None the wiser... But in truth... I am... Unsure... And so... should you... Overpraised... By sycophantic twats...1971 OCT 23 P. M. Ignore them... They might die... Hopefully translate... Declared she didn,t know either... His eyes glaze... Her lips quiver... Who are you?... Opens her arms to me... Her passion... Her desire... Evaporates in an instant... Cries out... Again and again... Saying 'but why'?... Pull on my clothes... Animal... And i am gone...1971 OCT 28 P. M. In a state of subjugation... Guilty Sadnesses... Nothing fake... Because you see... Who am i?... Exhausted from the shameful deceit... Like an endless loop... Deep in my mind... I cannot answer... How can i... No sound... No sight... Growing enigma... Unwanted... Sounds peculiar... To those... Lost within... I paraphrase it...1971 NOV 6 P. M. Mad entirely... The world was stupid... Stupider ever since... Enter Amnesiac... I wish to traverse... What is it... That troubles your dreams... Not much help... At all... Revile me... And laugh... I fell off my chair... What shade of past is it... I realised... Unless... Mutual destiny... A shrine to Gustave Flaubert... And some apricots... Puckering... A good foot long... Bony ringed... Blush... And then... As if... On cue... I piss myself...1971 NOV 7 A. M Enlightenment Abrupt... Now flaccid... Painfully flexed... Horizontally... With orange spots... Where is it... No... The lover leaves... Awkwardness... Shy pleading... And so on... To merge... Beauty is lifes revolt... Equally Inescapable... I shall be you... I wondered... Be who?... Whatever... Freedom Momentary... The vanity of hope... I stopped thinking... Most awful knowing... An unfortunate misunderstanding...1971 NOV 8 P. M. Bonfire of words... And we knew it... Ever since that moment... When my erection... Hurt... Poked out an eye... Just go will you... A yellowed sheet... With piss and worse... I received 4 years 8 months... More or less... In his fury... Delighted to find their bodies... Still intact... Apprehension Never... Do the decent thing... Pickling their heads... I think back... I know the tide... Has turned... I might die... And do so... Rid me of my life... Have no doubt... Floating... Cold water... Pointless Carapace... And she is... The gallows... That awaits me...1971 NOV 19 A. M. Some times i smile... Energetic Especially... I whisper... We are all in this... Shit together... Thoughts of you ...dearest friend... Is it true... If you ponder it for a moment... No detail too insignificant... Open doors... Inviting you... In... Reputedly... Labyrinthine Repository... Who knows... Postrating himself... The slimy rock pools... Constable like scenes... But i won,t pretend... And neither will you... 1971 DEC 4 P. M. Share this demimonde... With me... The keeping of private accounts... I proceed carefully... Equates with... What i tell her... Rearrange Prominently... It is moist... If i could bottle it... Though it is innapropiate... As far as i am concerned... They can all go... And die...1971 DEC 9 A. M. My life... Has not yet been emptied... Symbolic Significance... If i had a good... Story... Mossy mucus and yellow pus... And... It reminds me that something... Is always pure... And... Beautiful... Ripe though... Betrays nothing... You feel him all over you... I am in that... Niche... Chooses not to... Go away... Sometimes i think of her... And then i don,t... I can,t say... As a companion... I found her sage like... Inscrutable Sumerian... Possibly irrelevant knowledge... Admit nothing...1971 DEC 14 P. M. Discourse Magnificent... A terrible stench... Emmits itself...1971 DEC 24 A. M. Another example... And more recently... I stuck the knife... In... Red in the chops... My life... Etched in piss... I ask... Smear it... All over the page... Not to suffer... No word of complaint... Less is more... Long after those bars... Have melted away... The dirty truth... And numerous other unimportant things... My lack of virtue... Dead before his time... In the gloomy recess... I curl up and... stroke my cock...1971 DEC 31 P. M. Of july 12th 1817... OR thereabouts... Grossly overestimating... Life is best appreciated... As a joke... But i said nothing... His dog latin... Got on my nerves... Was i immortal... Or merely incompetent... Believing me... Penitent... Any aquatic creature... Because you see... I was born... An evil girl... Nothing... Thats what you are... French ascetic jewess ... Is curious... Nevertheless... Fate... Dead in the saddle... Before laughing... Partaken of liberally... Come hither eyelashes... Blurting out... I desire myself... All day long... Or so i was told... To see... What it was... Wanting Epilepsy... A fine fustian waistcoat... Now too frightened to scream... With a noose around F Bs neck... Taught falling body... The very embodiment... Of breaking... Your neck...1972 JAN 4 A. M. Mistook for a scholar... She used to read to me... An exemplarary... Tale of... Suffering torture... And original punishments... Voluptuous but... Eternally pure breasts.... Smote off... Flagellating themselves... Forty days... Forty nights... I would simply reply A... B... C... D... E... F... G... Etc... Etc..1972 JAN 19 P.M. . Wooden sticks up the inside of my thigh... By beelzebub himself... His fixation with Flatulence ... I,m so impressed... Skinny calve too... 1972 JAN 29 P. M Special priveleges... I began to worry... If i were holy... Yet i love them... With all my heart... Such a rascal... Selling myself... To those rotten... inconsolable itches... Nameless multiplying... Feelings of excitement... I saw all this... And that... And much else besides...1972 FEB 2 A. M. pimps and swing-swang girls... I grow old... Earthly Endeavours... Reasonable threats... Hither and thither... Proud of myself... Many things shocking... Made no sense... I found myself agreeing...1972 FEB 7 P. M. The cream... Of the english nation... The only thing i could do... Was cry... Like a kid... It was an accident... Against an hostile future... Nothing more... My dreams... Like all true villains... Tries to kill me...In my sleep... Incredulous at... The thought... Ungraciously Tormented... Wired their bloodied corpses... This way and that... F B disliked art... To assist... In civilising... The aristocracy... Who unlike us... Ate food... 1972 FEB 22 A. M. Bedraggled... Kentucky hamlet... Running a steamboat... Did nothing... To lessen... My belief... I learnt also... Though more from the birds... And the bees... This in Dar Es Salaam... Hated it... 1972 FEB 28 P. M. Often kept her satiated... Anally... Wish i was... A fully formed poetess... Because to her... I was just a specimen... Too troublesome by half... An encyclopedic mind... Which of course... Hurt... Then pull them down... To distill in a single image... Its idiocy... Or madness... Elsewhere... Which you cannot... Painful though it is... All this vain... Pretense...1972 MAR 1 P. M. I suppose... You hate me... By which i mean... The true condition of this life...1972 MAR 9 A. M. Nor will it prove popular... Ravenously Thirsting... For your amour... And if i were... To place... Three of my moles... Together... You,d get the pox... With no home... To go to... Thus the nightmare of the past... Is not clever... We were all ruined... By the SS... By train... Nowhere to run... Or hide... In the end... The bridges... Weren,t burnt...1972 MAR 12 A. M. In the slit... Yes... That one... Prospective Posseur... Or pisshead... The pretence of polite society... Incinerate... The bastards... Big ginger pubic hairs... All round the edge... It went in... Clean as a whistle... Quite thoroughly... Thank you... It was all a big act... Would it... Dying for appearence... At best credulity... Of the past... There is no market... My arse... And if i were to put two fingers... In aswell... Eyes water...1972 MAR 10 A. M. Lamentable prose... Treacherous promises... I can see... My life...Through your eyes... The folly of Nebraska... I won,t forget you... Come to bed... eyes... Promises promises... No interest whatsoever... If cursed... In his deplorable plummy accent...1972 MAR 17 P. M. Bad flowers... Have no scent... Countered Byron... For thou art wrong... Sometimes right... I suspect... I wasn,t happy... Being accused of buggery... Then battery... I was insulted... Anyone would... Me... Of stooping... So low... Afterall... What else... Could i do... Chop trees down... But it didn,t begin... So well... Too late... I began condemning... Only to be told... To fuckoff...1972 MAR 21 A. M. Battling power... Is to agree... The height of the terror... Ingenuinely put... But that would be... Untrue... Gave me a good kicking... Matters of tyranny... Sucked in the evening... Interminable French... Willing to be enslaved... I certainly do... Wanting it... To be desired... As well... That just... Now... It all fell apart... Oui at the seams... Shiny new family... Wished to dress up... Slimy oak... An inexhaustable supply of... Arsenic... Dragged him down... Rain does that...1972 MAR 24 P. M. I would like... To say... Curling up into a ball... Singing hallelujah... I reckoned i was about to burst... Into the Pacific... Floating coffin like... So are men willing to be... Enslaved... I don,t want you to think... My half years experience... Laying on my back... Thinking of me... Her four daughters to play with... Elsewhere there was... Other joyous prospects... Like stinking... Late summer heat...1972 APR 3 A. M. Wished you were here... A pair of bald eagles... Absurd livery of yore... What were once vices are... Three day events... It was my first good... Arselick... That too... You twat... Spring isn,t... Always sprung... Nothing as... Contemptible as the... Self revelating.... Respectable... Doing time... For bestiality... I made my way north... Crafty cunts... Everywhere you look... Was even more fearful... Wild dogs wouldn,t... Bow legged after that... Seeing as... I often came... Too... Seemed not put off... When we had stopped... For the night... To be cotinued...1972 APR 4 A. M. Staked out on the ground... Abused in a most dreadful fashion... Then told... To piss off... Parts of her shimmering... White... The like.... I have never seen... Before or since... Pointed at a fallen tree...1972 APR 12 A. M. A most barborous man... Transvestite... Every tuesday afternoon... He had never killed a man... Nor fucked one... As the knicker elastic snaps... Back In my face... That night by... A miserable fire... A sky the likes of i had... Never seen... Now broken into a million pieces... Two days later... Under cover of... A chill night... She promised to find a place... For us... Those hands had once administered... Smacks and pinches... To my behind... Though plenty of caresses... Too...1972 APR 12 P. M. Sketches of virginal maidens... Oh... So... Very much the professional Aesthete... My services were in demand... The shape of a soft smile... I... To the contrary... Hated them all... Luridly welcoming me... Naked women melting on the spot... She turned a blind eye... To my nightly advances...1972 APR 13 P. M. Repatition Tedious... Some minor misdemeanor... More often... Than not... Production has to be maintained... The pleasure of certainty... That sooner or later... Cracks... Hath appeared... Did i say tedious... I was never fussed... For example... There was progress last night...1972 APR 14 P. M. So many elegant ladies... Depicting Depravity... By a rather nasty looking old codger... Always some hereabouts... So many daisys too... The so-called... Revolution of safety... Undoubtedly the high point...1972 APR 25 A. M. Me in the gutter... Slapped me heartily on the back... It took only a mornings work... I,m going legal... Along with the Knowledge...That i was... Only acting... On instruction... Similar... Unreliable tastes... It was... As if... You had complimented me... Who does... No... Tuesday week... Thats not right... Yes... It... Is... Now fuckoff... Brought a smile to my face... It exasperated them... Ruffled feathers too...1972 JUN 3 P. M. A poor mans Shakespeare... Who done... That one... As if they had seen... The future... Rather than the now... But before it destroyed... Us... She of course... Saw none of this... Promoting Subversions... For absconding without notice... That would of been at least tolerable... But her desire... For vengeance... Over wrought his feelings... For me... And 35 others...1972 JUN 21 A. M. A clean slate... I wanted a vendetta... Or slow strangulation... Too good for him... This was my fourth death... That much i know... Various mentions were made... No notice whatsoever... Never saw them before... Or since... Thank the lord...1972 JUN 26 A. M. Time for you to discover your audience...1972 JUN 26 P. M. Silenced... On the grounds of insolence... Left your body... As if it were... A wondrous cruel man... Or its utter pointlessness... Suspended slightly below the ceiling... Not me... Them... What did i tell you... Afore times... Near the evening... I began to relax... A big mistake... Some did not care... I am sorry to have shamed... My father... I was thinking... I might... Have a go... At dying... But a better man in such times... Much too far... From home... I was broke...1972 JUL 13 P. M. Cleverly Constructed... To look like... An enormous hog... Fastened down with tow rope... Perhaps not altogether show... Together with an aquaintance... A humane psychiartrist... (Not quite an oxymoron)... Drug Dependecy... With my auntie Marge...1972 JUL 19 A. M. Needless to say... I blew it... And nothing came of this... Meritricious undertaking... Eventually disintergrated... Altogether... Take- away procrastination... Often go... Hand in hand... For a number... Of reasons... Foremost... There was the very English... Dread of... Foreigners... Pulling down... The decent drapery... Personal scars... I knew damn well... I hated everyone... And everything... This in turn... Led to twelve... Further problems... But i,m allright... Now... Pipe of chemical ectasy... Straight from God... Does anyone really need... Another... Asking for more approbrium... Theres something about sumptuary militancy...1972 JUL 21 P. M. Do not... Come here... You,ve become boring... Quite so...1972 JUL 24 P. M. Having calculated peoples glibness... Lifting an arse cheek... Is characteristic of the rich... I am not an optimist... What these tight lipped... Temporal clergy... Can achieve this with elastic bands... Is their preoccupation... With bottoms... To be taken seriously... The culmination of this tendecy... However changed... Have... Invalidated them... Through the march of time... I make no apology for this... Cross-referencing... Of ideas... Engendered nothing...1972 AUG 2 P. M. Dolefully looking over the rim... What... A slap up year... Almost too much... To hope... Atrophied bones of the notorious... Literary nuts... To be shot... A long winding cul de sac... it is... Adding... Flesh to the bones... Mandarin slang... He shot from the hip... Very cultured... Avant garde... Twats... Why at the beginning of things... Is there always light?... Flooding a life... Blinding rays... Women loved him... A kerosene lamp... Pockmarked face... Or was it fingers?... My memory is fixed... A rabbits hind leg... 1972 AUG 10 A.M. When going to the theartre... Then going blind... To say nothing of the war... Live long... Enough to see the changes... Abruptly burst into tears... The trouble it led to... Not equal to all that life is... I just stared into the flames... And a blister on the thumb... A happy man... Has no past... Relentlessly from behind... I demanded reasons... Of explanation... And never returned... My longing... Could find her nowhere... Vanished of the face of the earth...1972 SEP 1 P. M. It was hot... When the water ran... Out... Couldn,t believe... My eyes... You live... Like a dog... Swayed back... And forth... Now a dilapidated ruin... Once... Every four years... She pulled... Me... Including... My 8 inches... Of prime meat... Til her lungs were afire... Taking her bearings... A sheltered cove... A fire could burn... Sometime... in her early thirties... 1972 SEP 2 A. M. Would not read... Freshly turned out... Plums... String the words together... For many years... I no longer... Think about her... At all... An exotic strangle... Them old timers... Stink of fish... On their first day... Jostling and shoving... At luncheon... Then began the magic... Leaping into the air... So it went...1972 SEP 2 .P. M. Looking over their shoulders... Time slowed... He understood... And he knew... Fuckall... And in the deepest recesses... Of his being... Journeying to this point... In time... Who are you?... That was a blinder... Life never had such meaning... Painted her lips... Cherry red... Besides... Stay... No... I will... Will you?... No... Answer... Where are you going... Out... I,ll be back... For what... I,ve got to go... Stay... I looked back... She clutched at my throat...1972 SEP 3 P. M. I can,t have you... Too many times... Got to go... Can you believe it... I do... Four... Three days... Will i see you again... How would we know... What were you talking about?... He lay back down... Exhausted... And spooned into her... A earlier conversation... He knew her... To be vulgar... Without seeing... That nose stuck out... Damn them all... Had he been unsuccessful... Calling him a butcher... His relentless womanising... Their private scandals... To manipulate and decieve... Even at his age... Gloom and depression... I turned my head... Indefinable darkness... Heroin addiction... (Object)... Or... (Other)... His confreres... And his sexual mores... Its a way of life... Horrible image... Seemed always on the point of taking shape... Beat a man to death... And... demonic speech... Grotesque charade... Ha... Ha... Ha... A cold blooded killer... Has had enough... As if referring... To actual incest...1972 SEP 6 P. M. Stupidly.. Shrewdness... Then malice... Such as it is... A peasants face... Take this and get out... Via a sojourn... to the heart of darkness... I,m afraid to ask... I never quite saw it... Sweet dreams... You cunt...1972 SEP 15 P. M. Existential predicament... The two go together... Likes making eye contact... They,re principally interested in... Young black men... Wrapped in tin foil... And cling film... Inside their cheeks... Discreetly tucked in... Its all so blatant... And it is... Throttle the bastards...1972 SEP 18 A. M. Fear is... A fantastic lubricant... As a matter of fact... We,ve seen the action... What a shame... I cannot take... You... My voyeuristic friend... Only just beginning... When its gone... The windows are barred... Come up fourteen flights... And yet... Through... A Locked... Bolted... And chained... Door... Internally you see... Self combusted... Several times recently... Wait for it to come out... No one will... Ever remember... As if... It never happened... February 2168... Chiang-Kai-Shek... As its own logic... Proudly displayed... Beneath her knickers... Block out three hours... Resolved all his life... Her head fell off...1972 SEP 23 A. M. So many things... Security is always variable... So we say... Our goodbyes... Mind your backs... Especially lucid... I didn,t mean nothing... By it... Just passing... The time of day... How much... I don,t know... Will there... Are these them... What time is it... Is that it... Something wrong with you... Yes... Lets take a look... He studied her... You got any money... Look at that turtle... With oxygen tanks... For emphysema... Took off his hat... Tha t did it...1972 OCT 2 A. M. On the floor... One... And only one... Go on then... Three times... That was about all... Looked a tad nervous... I believed that... He,d do it... Again... But i done it... A living prophet... Of destruction... It aint just about being older... And i won,t do that... He used them... At the slaughterhouse...1972 OCT 3 P. M. His face averted... Thats the problem with humans... Comparitive... Does not disappoint... Meta- analysis... Predicted... The first forms of narcosis... The clapperboard... Is clapped... The word... Is like itself... You take care... I got a bad feeling... I hope so... She lay there... Looking at the stained bedsheets... How you feeling... What can i do... What happened... What about the other squaw... T boned it... Go on... It was clean...1972 OCT 9 A. M. Where you from... Did you have a fight... Yes sir... That got an over reaction... Young people... Don,t grow old... If you have to think... Addictive consumerism... Invocations of sadness... And dislocation... Continuing relevance... Spiritually valid... Not at all... This tired old pas de deux... Established orthodoxies... Overthrow of establishment... Its creators... Start to mix n match... But this thing... On the other hand... Lets face it... Did have some merits... Whats that... I expect you could... I do too... Its hard to say.. There aint nobody... No reason to be careful... And why would you... Yes they are...1972 OCT 10 P. M. Let me ask you something... A good book... Does not exist... For good reason... Indescribable... Incommunicable... Unintelligible... And excumminicado... At length without breathing... Aspire to the limits of life... Presumptuous of you to presume... See that fire... The night of your birth... Did i really say that... The spirit was destroyed... Had been legendary... On another occasion... Given recent mention... The feeling as he had her... My life was far from colourless... 1972 OCT 11 A. M. Should of been gay... He told me... Soon after we met... Enjoying themselves... At my expense... With growing interest... Should of been filled with coral... Too close for comfort... She would not understand... It suggested a rival... With the usual bits... And bobs...1972 OCT 24 A. M. Sardonic twat... Compliments of the house... In case raided... By the fuzz... The thrill of the unexpected... We both had confirmation... When in Rome... Dear boy... Was a grand affair... Shooting me... A sharp look... And invariably ends... In calamity... Thank you for the trade...1972 OCT 29 A. M. Too quick... To disparage... I just don,t like it... At all... Terribly interesting it maybe... Infallible Judgement... Work on it... Left me feeling sad... And that... Was just your image... Provoking Deliberately... Thats the way you always talk... Yakety yak...1972 NOV 3 P. M. With 22 smaller ones... Piece of piss... I,ll ask the questions... With discreet affection... Very late... So he was relaxed... An algerian in Mont Martre... Where i took it... To be repaired... It rings true... When she went to get her hair done... Where she was all night... Fucking headache in the morning... That too...1972 NOV 11 A. M. Heard this dreadful crunch... I had forgotten about grandma... A great black brute... There are several versions of this story... Enjoyed the parisian life... Except for the french... She was the ugliest woman... Ever seen... And that was just the inside... 1972 NOV 14 P. M. It Was so dangerous... 1972 NOV 18 P. M. My heart is aglow... he was dead... Those eyes... That were always following me... Tawdry influence... It transpired not to be true... To whom she had recourse... For divining her future... Died in transit... More in memory of the pleasure...It gave...In her case... Took 1972 NOV 27 A. M Heard nothing for 3 years... Her gifts were more subtle than enigmatic... Passing familiararities... Made use of this woman... My first suggestion... Of a tug... Was rejected... But something that seemed innocent... Turned out to be provocative... Bleeding typical...The colonel thought it a splendid idea...1972 DEC 15 A. M. Admonishment... Was entirely beyond me... Whose opinion i had not solicited... Not yet anyway... 1972 DEC 16 P. M. The following afternoon... He was dead... Of the pox... It was unavoidable... My body was... As you might expect... Fucked...1972 DEC 17 A. M. Three ways... An impossibility... Anatomically speaking.. Should i wear... A garishly coloured frock... She seemed pleased... By this element of the unreal... I was told... That in consequence... I could have his wife... It looked nothing like a horse... If you were hungry... Perhaps grease her thighs... For easy access... So i dropped anchor... Tried to persuade her cook... To give me some goose fat... Works a treat... With a big one... By the by...1972 DEC 18 P. M. He had no authority about him... Which was entirely at odds... With the bald facts... Bald in everyway... His own invincibility... Memories... Of himself... As a self-liberated man... Encased at one time... in a famous book...1972 DEC 24 P. M. Bribing a security guard... With fellatio... Was a bit extreme... He has a crooked mouth... Constantly in motion... At once intimidatory... And suspicious... He was dull ... And he told it... Like it was... Sometimes with empathy... Sometimes with horror... I wanted to publicly feed him... To the dogs... For the express purpose... Because to die... Was a never ending story... Holding it there for a moment... Songs he had learnt from his auntie Maud... 1973 JAN 2 A. M. Thrashing about... Then halting altogether... For a good minute or more... No one moved... For signs of life... Were bleak... A frightful task... Before me... No one seemed cognisant... Of the fact... I had no idea... Why... Emboldened by... The oddities... Sanctioned unexpectedly... I must confess... I started... Taking liberties... Half horrified... Half fascinated... At this cracked world... As if it was infinite... But art is a punitive sentence... Not a birthright... 1973 JAN 13 P. M. I began... Taking liberties... With her body... It goes... With a knowing eye... So i could make... My mark... You,ll get none of that... Poppycock... Along with the angels screaming... From my necessary dreams... Do as i do... Commence with a long dive down... Tasting the exquisite fishy sauce... They will try... To define... What you do... Fuck em... 1973 JAN 24 P. M. Bedlam inside... ones head... With slimy scales and filth... In a single pulse of the heart... Taste and sight... Anally... Find the lie... Of the land... Descending light... Fat arses... On padded seats... Nod like the lucky bastards... You are... Leave it open... Gaping insatiable mouth... Such a sorry pass as this... Now frequently becalmed... In this age... Of abominations... Without precedent... My annals of degredation... Save for this recalcitrant... Special dispensation... Spanking and such... Enjoy... Enjoy... Everything that is sacred... Profane... Destroy the bastards.Th en i look away... 1973 FEB 2 P. M. Later that year... Right to regard... Extraordinary... You may well say... One to the tother... Under the influence... Of my lover... Morpheus... Shortly before dawn... Her appearance unusual... Something mesmerising about... Her passion... The beauty and the magic of it... Abandoning our pasts... We,ve spoken about... Anything and everything... Alternate idea... Of selves... That surely is enough... In a world... Where reality... Is fiction... Momentarily... Seemed endless... To escape... Who we are... To suck lick and kiss... Then explode... Acquiescence Inevitable... Fermenting enmities... Petrifying... So many fetid exhalations... Of the unheard... Of screams... Impregnate whole universes... Impervious to the passage of time... Life loves perversity... As we stumble... and fall... Chance encrusted living... Gangrenous limbs... Blood streamin rags... Consumptive lungs... Invaded everything... Scent of fearful sweats... A perfume of pus... Oh yeah... Disembark... 1973 FEB 28 A. M. She claimed she was... With me... Profound disbelief... Tied up... With string and iron... Taught silence... Such force... Teeth were knocked out... 1973 MAR 7 P. M. Intimate acquaintances... There was... I knew... Even then... Death before life... For all of which... I am ready... Nothing could dare to prepare... To reminisce... As i do... Recurrant villainy... A leather strap... Tied to either end... For weeks on end... Immobile Entirety... Several self punishment... To be incurred... Dumb insolence... Trite indifference... 1973 MAY 12 A. M. Mind dissolved into mush... While before me lies insanity... Was about... To alter my life forever... Portentous Tone... Inevitably uttered... On first sight... I shudder... Unsuccessfully masquerading as me... A regency rake... Of yesteryear... Later... Erratic behavior... Even so... First impression... Grotesque human visage... And... If i may permit myself... Obsessions Conceived... Some dignity... Not much... My oppression... Is heavily built... Upon his own conceit... 1973 MAY 12 P. M. If nothing else... Yes... No... Yes... Knowingly tapping his nose... Then the... Egyptian... With is throat cut... Alter this mind... His former self bathed in glory... Conception Oblique... Beneath the covers... Dancing the night away... There... Answered the cry... Master Bach be forever mine...1973 MAY 27 P. M. Endless chattering... Garbled inanities... Until reached destination... Half there anyway... Interrupted reveries... I may actually be... Someone else... Huddling in the stinking dirt... Bleeding from all orifices... It has a definite ring to it... Frenchies... And fancies... Like... The people... un... flavoursome..Quite... Quite... Distinct... Full of such heartfelt gratitude... Of interrupted... Thoughts... Such as... Still lifes... Stilted fashions... Uncertain terms... Not to mention... She stank... An education realised by... Taught by me... 1973 JUN 7 A. M. One night... With his only daughter... Happiness... Did she bring to me... Bursted pomigranites... Voltaire Descartes... Smiles of reason... As you can see... I care for no one... Proper pleased... With my new self... And what do you know... Fuckall... It is said in all matters... Consisting of he... Obviously a man in his prime... Rise out of estimations... Feigning comprehension... Immortality demands proof... A little irritated... Must find his metier... A release... Unexpectedly pausing... Between each stroke... Of her flaps... To squeeze out... The excess blood... In a small bucket of sand... After a short walk... I was... Not fucked... ushered... Without ceremony... A sealion reposed... Eating... PumpkIn pie... Odorous... Despite... its... somewhat ramshackle smile... Your pyramid panacea... Of posessions... Bewildered... I nodded knowingly...1973 JUN 29 P. M. No more vulgar folks... A remedy worth knowing... Never used... A straight word... When a cunting long-latin one... Could take its place... But this is... Clearly not conversant... But i nodded sagely... Rising to its fullness... Pumping all over the new carpet... Where is this all going... But... To the contrary... Dear man... Of feeding it to myself... In truth it made him feel... Powerfull... Til his day of reckoning beckons...1973 JUL 12 A. M. With all my heart... Of course it is... And of course i do... I don,t know about such things... But it led to a laughing fit... It was time to leave... Cheer up... I,ll be dead... For a long time... You,re in good company... Help me... Through this... A difficult period... A bastard hangover... Chateau Mouton Rothschild... I tried not to think... The situation was unreal... Well... If you know that... Makes you contrary to the rest... I was suddenly brought back to reality... But... Oh... His hand went to his brow... I,m not really used to this... Sort of thing... 1973 JUL 21 P. M. So fucking what... It was a painful one... I want you to stop talking... Sending condolences... On the birth... I felt vulnerable... Aimless... Disorientated... This dashed their expectations... Somewhat... Understandably... To be as uncluttered as possible... Common sense is a curse... Upon you... Had to have it... Upholstered... Accused of betraying her... That helped me... To relax... Needed medical attention... The Metropolitan... New York... I did... Not with much conviction... Still in its brown wrapping paper...Unwanted...1973 AUG 1 A. M. Swallow it... I said... Swallow it... This made her quesy... Wow... Breathe... Churchillian... Look of determination... Firstly... Her eyes bulged out... I can,t fit it in... We grinned... Atone one another... Violent coughing fit... Shaking her head from side to side... Thank fuck... Thats over...Must be all of 9 inches... And the girth... Jesus... Nearly wet myself... Are you homosexual... And that i was... Only turned on... By hermaphrodites... Each to his own... Performed a very convincing Marlene Dietrich... Oh... I like these... Many people agreed... Then shut up shop... And fuckede off... 1973 AUG 2 A. M. Back sack and crack... On the sabbath... And in front of the children... Oh... God... Was somewhat of a virgin... As far as bottoms are concerned... You scare me... I,m fed up... So you should be... The strange irony... Was apparent... Had to be... Carried out on a stretcher... She was no mug... Do you want to inspect his eyes... With much appreciation... Leaning precariously... Looked at it... For a few seconds... Then turned... My back on it... Exuding such a stark reality... Trying to air it... At least... No burglar could remove it... 1973 SEP 7 P. M. So memorable... Each word... Printed meticuously... With piss... I could not... Decipher it... A perky white tit... From the battleship Potemkin... If proof is needed... Had not diminished... A great finale... Search for an alternative... Rather... The usual... Distortion of her face... Good God... Why?... I have strong feelings... For her... Thought this was confidential... Turned against me... In the end... Eggs... How crazy i was... To think otherwise... We sat and talked in the library... Fulfilled her offer...1973 SEP 25 P. M. From floor to ceiling... And no food... Or drink... A pleasant looking woman... Couple of oldies... An anagram for oral sex... In order to cook some sausages... With a blond fringe... The scale... The splendour... Shades of Gatsby... Guarded by a stone heron... There was no replacement... Made of local flint... You know... Half mockingly... One thing i really regret... Burnt the toast...1973 SEP 29 A. M. Tried to reassure her... You did your best... Rubbish... Felt so old... Out of touch... Thankfuck... Far from funny... As if... Burnt her with acid... Unconcealed scar... On her throat... More sympathetic... Which looked open... I have always liked... You... Been found... And contacted... I was on her side... Brushing the leaves away... A most revolting man... Dressed in a ra ra skirt... With a straggly beard... As if it were a send up... I was heading for... F Bs death... I had found that out... Drove up with his girlfriend... Shall not name... Out of respect... And dirt... To a wedding ceremony... Vile people... One and all...1973 OCT 4 A. M. Amid a flurry of urgent messages... My confinement... Was stagnating... I was hemerrhaging... No... The other... Twat...1973 OCT 9 P. M. Had to make sure... I was still breathing... In this instance... I think i was... Then wasn,t... Nevertheless... Still here... DR---------- at a loss... She never lost hope... This was no mere figure of speech... Praying for my survival... Didn,t help... Ascetic S and M ... My one true friend... Friends and relatives... Across the globe... To whom... This effacy... Praying... Proved pointless... Dispensing... With any form of lungs... 4 o clock... Sunday evening... Customarily i would of fled... To escape the heat... Nonconformists ran deep... On both sides... Half begun... By the dark waters... That meet upstream... In the womb of the sea... Here was thy spring.. Thy straight run... Where the streams part... From under my feet... A century on... This all seems strange... Who cares... Not i...1973 OCT 18 P. M. Far beyond... And where... Of such wild contrasts... It is difficult to believe... Fate can be so... Capricious... In 2023... Homosexuals will not be allowed... To... Swim...Or... Fry sausages... Part of some deeper conspiracy... But i wasn,t so stupid... To betray there ignorance... Important verily... Historical destiny... My arse... For his part... Appeared blind... Grateful pathetically... If i could only smash... The mystery of this world... Imprisoning myself seems confusing...1973 OCT 24 A. M. Ravenously rabid... sexuality... Day and night... In truth... I felt it was... Slimey and distressingly smelly... She guided me back inside... Harked on... About the role i had to play... Breaking her hymen... Into a million pieces... That would lead to... A whole new society... Ha ha ha... I am... Said she... Pulling back her sloberly... Walrus lips... Underling... So that i understood... Very important... She is... Mystery to dissappear... And all... Knowable solvable improvable explicable remediable... On some linnaean ladder of creation...1973 OCT 25 A. M. My part... In this gargantuan act of wilful self vandalism... Categorise systematise... Fixed me with her watery gaze... Genius in a relevatory statement... Of the greatest profundity... What i am saying... Placing one fat hand on my thigh... A physically repulsive gesture... It was clear to me... Had to devize new tactics...1973 OCT 26 P. M. The embarassment of replacement... I was a prisoner of hate... Devoted sisters though... Remained unmarried... All pursuing demanding careers... Left wing intelectuals... Unpublished poems... By the sack loads... It spewed its dark ink at me... With as much fearful fury... It could muster... Though i copped some in the eye... And a bit in the gob... This dark ink... That dries to the shitty colour... Of... Shit...1973 OCT 27 P. M. So what... I put all words and memories down... On sundays... I put on my flip flops... A black suit... White shirt... And have... Mine own literary bashing session... She was i think... The most unhappy... The most lonely creature... I have ever known... Her own nature... Was gloomily pessimistic... And deeply tinged.. With suspicion and hostility... A morose and misanthropic temperament... I will never understand her... No amount of pity... The perpetual fear... Was the fundamental reason for my unhappiness... The most poisoness and repressive person... That it is possible to conceive of... Now... Years of dumb humiliations... Are leaving there mark on me... Since not in my nature... To butter up anyone... I,ll never forget... Or forgive... Those beatings... Or the verbal and sexual bullying...1973 NOV 5 A. M. F Bs conversation larded with quotations from the classics... A bright light... In the darkest moments... As wel as... Entertainment and fun... At least... He thinks so....1973 NOV 13 P. M. I,m cultivating a mental stamina... Obsessed with the idea... Of testing my courage... And endurance... Intellectual atmosphere... 'Somewhat apocalyptic'... Wickedness my only joy... An sunshine... Hey ho...1973 NOV 21 A. M. Heres to eternal damnation... Punishments and hellfire... I am inherently sinful... Yippeee... Impure thoughts... La de da... They can,t stop trying... Restrict me to piritanical thoughts and deeds... Escape this austere confinement... Never know about the existance... my mental refuge... 1973 NOV 27 P. M. It is clear to me... That she is entirely mad... I must recall this morning... Waking up... Her seated upon my face... I couldn,t move... My head mouth or tongue... Smothered so... By her quim... Spitting... Ginger pubic hairs... For hours afterwards... Drained a pint of water... In a single gulp... My eyes are still crying... Just from the memory... Of her fat arse and thighs... Rythmically... Squelchingly... Squirmingly... All over my face... A rhetorical question... 'You enjoyed that enormously didn,t you boy'... A currupting influence... In short... And far too kindly... I hate every atom of you...1973 DEC 1 P. M. Something of a snob... No fashionable or glamorous friends... A little rat-like persom... in any case... This hardly qualifies me... To live... On earth... Nevermind... Parochial surburbia... Not able to subsidise my meagre... Monies... To breakdown... Any individuality... Confirming me... As a circus... Trained bear...1973 DEC 8 A. M. See you jimmy... A latter day Glaswegian Botticelli... Our task... Only as contrarians...Can we advance... Pouring me... Yet another... Brandishing a sabre... In front of him... Our work is to begin... Tomorrow... With this... Battered body... A need... For dignity... Which is arrayed before me... Some worn out... Some not...1973 DEC 8 P. M. I was always watched... Assuring me... In her presence... Beyond your knowing... Was a different matter... Taste... I was coming to realise... My dreams are of rapture... A nightingales... Alarmed Response... Let me confess... A caricature... Of myself... Reproduced a Polygraph... My conscience... Is free... From contamination... In the midst... Of this nonsense... Surface Translucent... That exists... Terweet terwoo..1973 DEC 14 A. M. Alarmed by my alacrity... Defined... By my un-similarities... I,d rather watch... Eliptical paint dry... Brutal Obviousness... Economical Truth... She had curves... And a lot more... in truth... All i ever get.. Is bruises... To the coloseum... Terrorise thyself... Is best done cold... I deserved something more... That day... Disappointment Frustration... A tiny fraction... Of the age long... Suffering... I loved and revered him... Despite reproaches... It was my duty... To punish you... Proof of that... Would be my death...1973 DEC 21 A. M. To intervene... Personally... Longing to get to the truth... Swallow my pride... Forthwith... Straight forward apology... Proceeding Cautiously... Sometimes Uncomfortable... Prohibition of the senses... Subsequent lies... Kept my powder dry... And we parted in... Anger...1973 DEC 29 P. M. Lack of vigor... Within inches of death... Protestations of guilt... Compromising... With years of frustration... Being shunned by peoples... Condition Humiliations... Always under... You ought to be... Bang... Bang... Eye contact... Was minimal... Kept the issues away... From the microscope... Hectic amours... Rebuffed continuously... The truth was... Earmarked... For zilch... Cancelled my gratitude...1973 DEC 31 A. M. You are peculiar... Whom nobody likes... And for this... There is a reason... Thats too convenient... I,ll demolish straw men... All the cards... Are in your hands... No aspirations... They are not provided... For... Health... To secure... What really happened... Rests upon a tale... That today... Would be regarded...A certain amount of embarrasment... Letters of plenty... Anxiety... My cousin Rex... However lowly...1974 JAN 3 A. M. I am not a theorist... I do this... With some reluctance... A catergorical statement... Easy prey... A very erratic temperament... Is that you... Yes its me... No... Its not...1974 JAN 4 P. M. No dancing... Or singing... They just talk... I,m coming... To get you... That did it... I didn,t sleep... At all... You,re a liar... She was aswell... Twice... Crazy... To think otherwise... Diminished... Is such a tired cliche... I thought... This was confidential... But... It was exceptional... I know someone... Entered behind me... More than a metre wide... Frightful sound... Too large... For indoor display... Voices... From a oblong metal plaque... Telling me... What to do... 1974 JAN 21 A. M. Smack... A sigh of relief... The accent is barbed... The dancing has ceased... Its been dark for several years... Views are extensive... And that... Is that... Which reveals... Extremely shallow precipitation... Celebrated excesses.. Drama... In the shape of... Being very satisfied with himself... It stimulated fires... Of mistrust... Always certain... Of what he wanted... From thus... In regard to her breathing... 1974 JAN 29 P. M. She wears tons of make-up... Obscenely overweight... And she knows it... I always break down... In the end... We embrace... Nothing else exists... Where are you going... Out... What are you going to do... Stuff... A real southern belle... Her laws... Were laws... A fact in itself... Should be sufficient... At any rate... For several years... He slept alone... Except for the Madonna... The sex was delicious... And as for her interior... There was nothing there... He opposed all stimulants... Indeed... Another person arrives... Cotemplated... A brain... Expertly despondent ... In its embryo... The upstarts experiments... Succeeded... Face up to it...You are fucked...1974 FEB 4 P. M. Thats fine... Eighteen hours a day... Setbacks occurred... These were... Interdependent... Of me... Several hundred head of sheep... Ten miles... Even today... Please... Let me know... Prosperity... Depended upon it... By all means... Cunt...1974 FEB 8 P. M. Whats she like... A cactus like indifference... To thirst... However... An inch more... And you,d split her... In half... Then it would... Be paradise... ' Felt up to things '... Seldom encountered... Pheasants... Was not amused... Her attempt... To contrive... Rain... Unaware... That it would be her... Last... But it was difficult... To get it in... Without full concentration... An incessant conceiver... Of voyages... Were hundreds more... Just like that... Still no sign... Of Dick... And other appealing statements...1974 FEB 17 A. M. Taught it to stand up... All by itself... Its magic... Should never be discovered... With his pants down... Within his family... A void of equanimity... Otherwise... A mammoth undertaking... A meandering... We will go... From 1935 to 1939... After drinking a glass of milk... He had... From the beginning... Aimed at her... Minnie moo... Expertly... Doing what he wanted... Certainly... By the evidence presented... Thats fine for you... Partly because... It was luminously golden... Especially with her... Legs open... Anything was possible... ' Cause we got a sick un '...1974 FEB 23 A. M. Lives like a rajah... Off the coast of Yucatan... Shed your clothes.. Put on... A relaxed grin... For fifty pounds a month... From the mainland... To show off... Her feet... For he had many methods... Of dying... 1974 FEB 27 P. M. Mirror... Mirror... You go into a trance... I mean... My god... Dont you ever get tired... Far from it... Now ominous... Now impish... Now soulful... A twist of your lips... Between my bum cheeks... Still... Pink lips... Which often... Activated his... Charm... Got right down on it... Her literalness... Invulnerable... ' Totally masculine '... That stoked a longing... Sliding in... And out... Barefoot... At last... Dick... Swiftly... Over and over... Enabled him to experience... You were lovely... Dear... Not to put a too fine a point... On it...1974 MAR 2 A. M Bend over... Again... And show it off... Would willingly... Teach me... I bid her adieau... 1974 MAR 16 P. M. Except for you... Would love... To perform... Came to him... Wanting help... I wasn,t flirting... His lack of suspicion... Lastnight... Oh... Right... I know... What you mean... Summarising the problem... Everything will change... Whether you want it or not... To think back about... Thats making her grouchy... And anyway... It stinks...1974 MAR 27 A. M. Privileged to know you... To seem... A member... Of the family... But then... So did her dog... Felt it... Deeply... His confidante... Who invariably... Kept it hard... And we held hands... I tried... At least... A melancholic vagina... Such deflections... An affront to humanity... Similar and equal sensibilities... I,m tongue-tied... Neither brave or reticent... Why do i keep smelling... Shit... 1974 APR 3 P. M. Not very likely... Would any visitor... As i got it in... Checked she was... O k... And not bleeding... Excessively... Finding secret solace... In the toilet... I think... i,m losing my mind... His private anxieties... Knock... Knock... I,ve got to go... A devotee of... Obscure gals... Once composed... A sheaf of poems... Were very obscene...1974 APR 26 P. M. Recharge his battery... Was.... Holding it... For you... That said... Its still taking reality... By surprise... An epidemic... Of chlymidia... But i do feel safer... Good... Not bad... Ramped up.... Levels of fear... I,d never felt it... So large... Paranoia set in... Justified... Even scarier... The odd thing is... You look... Past terror... Do i... Well... Answer me... Survival mechanism... Si senor... Yo comprendo... I promise you... I wasn,t telling the truth... With jesus assisting you... And... She was sore... You betcha...1974 MAY 2 A. M. Gentle and prim... Pulled it... Ejected it... From the vicar,s arse...1974 MAY 5 A. M. I... do... Sympathise... She thought so to... Was agog... With pride... And thats only... A semi... Mother... Please... And then she was.... Overcome... Whats next... Inspect her cunt... Don,t rough me up... Made us... Take our socks off... Left him in charge... It felt old... Because he hates me... We were all so satisfied... For the longest while...1974 MAY 16 P. M. Unconquerable timidity... Hope you understand... They don,t need me...To be modest... To the point of meekness... Wolfing it down... Then comes thumbles... In the closet... Her words... A sequence... Of agreeable events... After two years... She confessed that i had... Once succeeded... At something... Of a whatnot... He had not been spoiled... Or spared... Inexplicable despondency... Pyramiding triangles... And chairs... Demonstrating... Its futility...1974 MAY 22 P. M. Twice nightly... Direct reflection... Rather... An irregular echo... A sense of displacement... Connected to... Tension and violence... Characterising... Quasi--military environment...1974 MAY 23.A. M. Formative experience... Take that off... First... Then you... Just scream... Stultifying puritanism... Constrained by... Afforded her... Splendid uniforms... In which... Eccentricity... Played its part... Off... You go... Unfettered conventions... Caught me unawares...1974 MAY 23 P. M. Mothers underwear... Alluring to wear... An independence... Of mind... Taken advantage of... Several times... A day... Drifting in... And out... Apparently... Predilection for bottoms... In Chantilly... Whose reputation... Stunk... Bohemian... Baudelaire... Uncharted... Territory... None of this helps...1974 JUN 3 A. M. Sugggestion... Of twins... Contradictory influences... Cliquish phenomenons... Tried to lose... It... Wanted an approach... From behind... In freezing weather... Everywhere admonitions... Was emboldened... For awhile... Like a sudden awful hand... Over my mouth...1974 JUN 3 P. M. Later... When she was waiting...Legs apart... My return... Don,t let anybody see... Me... I,m a kind of ghost... A fraction off centre... Face composed... Of mismatching parts... With the result... Less unnerving...1974 JUN 17 P. M. Crude strokes... Without exception... Until tomorrow...1974 JUN 18 A. M. Died lastnight... From his intellectual breakthrough... Impressive... Spontaneous homage... Which villified me... Tried to make amends... Head first... Newly dug pit... Indecent haste... Told me to fuckoff...1974 JUN 29 P. M. Her deliberately quarrelsome nature... Turbulent and sometimes... Violent atmosphere... What could happen... To me... In this... The crucible of the post war conscience... Still... Undimmed passion... The children... Are safe... Timebeing... Of no consequence... Without exception... Colour or creed... 1974 JUL 7 P. M. Tension abound... Clearly observed... Amongst the elite... There were some... Sycophantic wanks... Only for business... Reasons... Top drawer... Of course... 1974 JUL 15 A. M. Ranked himself highly... Never associates with the plebs... The Cunt... We learn to do... By doing...Or the flowers grow... Gosh... That was a jolt... Quite... The contrary... I,m always thanking you... She said... I mean... Insisting a man... Must sit... In a dentists chair... At least once in their... Life... Not for me... You... You.re different... Unlimited affections... I can,t imagine... Such a thing... You afraid... Don,t ever try... To get away from... Here... I,d be tickled... ... After a spell... Of indecisive quibbling... Smiling boastfully... Thick... And not very clean... What did you expect... Bastard christians... For you... Nothing can go wrong... Flawlessly devised... Went tits up... You damn well better... How the hell should i know...1974 AUG 12 A. M. Seems like a lot... To take in... Then we,d better buy... Plenty of vaseline... Quite... Enough for twelve... Plus four others... Entertain... Without disturbing... Ones self... Rescued a pair.. Of full sized sheep...1974 AUG 21 P. M. Assembling in hordes... To howl... At the moonlit... Evenings... But lately... Thing have ghanged... On tiptoes... Equally intoxicating... Very young though... In saint sulpice... Eugene Delacroix... Particularily... In the summer... Literary links... Were established... With Racine... Unorthodox fascists... Who launched Samuel Beckett... As a playwright... So much influence... It made me cough... Whilst... Loosening earth... With a... Spade...1974 AUG 29 P. M. She would... Rather be alone... Yes... Standoffish... In a world... Of her own... Liked to know... What was going on...1974 SEP 3 P. M. The chill of the oncoming dusk... Shivered through the air... Tall chrysanthemums stalks... Lengthening shadows... A sensitive... And reticent gal... You,ll see... You,ll feel it... All the way... Up your spine...1974 SEP 4 A. M. Dishevelled foilage... Easy... For you... To say... Thought you might know... How it is... Its mighty nice... In the backdoor way... So you say... So fucking what... Dying for a stroke... The exhertion... Way too much... F Bs Disappeared... Again... ... Up a tree... One day you,ll ride it too...1974 SEP 17 A. M. Bravaura moments... 'I just wanted to clean your bits... And bobs'... Needed doing... Her past was as dirty as her knickers... My immediate problem was... She had not rubbed it sufficiently... To create some length... This task at first... seemed entirely beyond her... I halted for a moment... A little shocked... With her mouth full... She joylessly... Bit down on it... Leaving blooded teethmarks... Is there any bottom... To her resevoir... Of genius... Oh... What a ridiculous display... But my fifth attempt pleased her... Finally... Her waters broke... She declared... 'It was passably well done'...1974 SEP 28 P. M. I threw it on the fire... It smouldered... Like one more collapsed soul... He took to wandering about the place... Reconnassing the nude jesuit ascetics... The first thrill.. And allure of it all... Uber embarrassing... Increasingly outlandish manners... And appearence... This stirred some kind of debate... I thought... He was a circus clown... Who couldn,t stop being a comedian... Even off stage... Didn,t regard it as an act... He had built himself up... Into... A puritanical... Fire eating... Dedicated Cromwellian... Of a round head soldier... With a bible in one hand... And an alarm clock in the other... As it were... Ha... Ha... Ha... 1974 OCT 4 A. M. Contempt lit up... By occasional flashes of hatred... Cue... One sided murderous fun... No notion of political correctness... It seemed a bloody shame... To kill him... Under strict instructions... The time... The place... 1974 OCT 16 P. M. Necrophiliac nights... Bestial morns... Perfidious doom... A...Tedious talent... Mortified by my own peculiar... taste... Forbidden fruit... Mouldy ones too... Oy fucking vey...1974 OCT 23 A. M. By the way... Did you peruse... Rachmaninovs 2nd... The ferocious finale... No me neither...1974 OCT 23 P. M. Next shall we twirl... Even on a low tide... Tis more important to me than anything you can imagine... Tormented by premonitions... How appropiate... For this inextricably entangled tale... Of deceit... To myself... 1974 OCT 24 A. M. She would wax lyrical... about the bleeding obvious... And for what neccesity... So that some prose should follow... Must be cunting... Hiding itself... Behind a bushel... Show some... Modesty... Some embarrassment... and some shame... To the power of the word... It could be formidable... Sometimes callous... Anyway... My dreaming has started to hurt... Is it undeniable... That this should bring on my... Demise...1974 OCT 25 A. M. She was so sure of herself... I began to suspect... This wasn,t her first time... Virginity my arse...1974 OCT 28 A. M. A couple of nights later... I was determined... To instill a little ferociousness... First night... Not bad... An even more demeaning trial... Had now begun... I had to run the gauntlet of... Trying to force my entry... Consequently it all went amiss... Just for a change... She got on my tits... 1974 OCT 28 A. M. They and i... Had one common belief... Regulations Are made by fools... And idiots... They are not to be obeyed at all times... However... To avoid expulsion... I had to fuck... The head teachers wife... 1974 OCT 28 P. M. Surly... Rebellious... Considerable offense... Took... So i removed the glue... That holds it all together...1974 NOV 1 A. M.She feared no one... Having to wear heavy boots... Triumphant over the mob... Now to demonstrate her utter contempt... For the norms... Of a hypocritical society...1974 NOV 5 P. M. As an odd by product... I was blindfolded... And walked... To my place of execution.... I now... Faced my persecutors... With quiet dignity... And... Looked them all in the eye... Many of them... Fell away... Ashamed of their little game... The only winner was me... Whose corpse was buried... Later that day... 1974 NOV 20 A. M. Such a sight... A miserable looking rabble... I took advantage of their... limitations... In spite of their affectations... All skin elongated... And sharp angles... From plastic surgeries... Years later... Her skin would... Just fall off... Disrespectable oddities... of her behaviour... It was always going to be... An early demise... 1974 NOV 28 P. M. Letters were sent... No replies would... Ever come... No words of encouragement... Or even... for that matter... Of approbation Or admonishment... The latter... Only distinguishable... By a mole... Just to the right... Of her left tit...1974 DEC 3 A. M. Recent experiences...In this meat grinder of modern living... Could anyone count.... On two hands... This state of affairs... Could not be kept up... I have seldom failed... Less than twice a day... Contemplations of pure unhappiness... Cheered me up... The anticipation of disheartenment... Pure bliss...1974 DEC 14 A. M. Today... I said to my soul... You will forget... This tawdry life of reality... This vulgar present... This banal... Undistinguished existence... And other dreary coarsnesses... Today... In the only world... I will admit... The real world of dreams... Of fancies... Of departed glories... 'Brought nigh'... Black is past... Black... Maybe your future... But the present... Oh... My courageous soul... Is glorious... Today i shall be like God... What a load of old toss...1974 DEC 23 P. M. Feel like an amoeba appreciating the ninth symphony...1974 DEC 30 A. M. I had a wet dream... About my Auntie Ada... I can still feel her... Just thinking of it ... She is a woman... Who seemed to fill a room... Even when she wasn,t... In it... She was soft... As a feather pillow... And breezy... As a showgirl... In a small room... She seemed... To use up more... Than her ...Fair share... of the oxygen... Her skin breathed out... A moist perfume... Like a tropical flower... And when she moved... You could hear{though she did not wear them} the rustle of plumes and silks 1975 JAN 1 A. M I,m supposing... Something strange had happened... To me... They might have a modicum of intelligence... I know they have a vested interest... In me... 1975 JAN 7 P. M. Consider it done... Already... My dear boy... Can you not hear... The facsimile machine... In my head... Whirring... But it is a lie... The truth of the matter... Is that finishing anything... Has become like the arrow... Fired at St Anthony... In his philisophical paradox... It crosses half of my mental terrain... On its way to being written... And then... Half of the remaining half... And then half of that... And so on...1975 JAN 12 A. M. Still lying in bed... And only half awake... I began to take in what she was shouting about... It was a complicated complaint... It was picquant... And said in french... And most of it was true... I,d had enough... And ordered her to stop forthwith... When she did not respond... I ordered her to go... Yet all this time... A part of me was fuming... The bond has been broken... Went back to bed... 'Troubled in mind'...1975 JAN 27 A. M. I detach... Myself... From myself... I watched me... From afar... Just as i had watched the players... In the theatre... Lastnight... I assumed... No gravitas... What am i ... Talking about...1975 JAN 27 P. M. That same night... Without realising it... Time was running out... He had been a vociferous champion... And a most dangerous opponent... A long haired... Long faced... Tosser of a dandy... I feigned respect... For a man... I viewed... With contempt... 1975 FEB 4 P. M. Coherent consciousness... Could you explain... That is... If you could tell me... Do you think theres any point... In talking... 1975 FEB 6 A. M. You think you are a fascinating subject... Well you are not...1975 FEB 9 A. M. How are we ever to know... What the pharoahs really looked like..1975 FEB 13 P. M. They,re shocked by it... They find it evil... Horrifying... Unpleasant... I have insulted you... By including her... All the scars... Have been cut...1975 FEB 21 P. M. With a huge expanding smile... He replied... 'I am sad to say'... 'I would hardly say thar'... 'Now fuckoff'...1975 FEB 24 A. M. Monte Carlo... With its lush life... A friendship... That was going well... It was considerable at the time... Now seems not... One of the most memorable people... Of his life... Similarily... Failing to learn from the experience... Who came after her... By then he could afford... To do... What he liked... 1975 MAR 2 A. M. The car broke down... And the journey took ten years... By which time... F B had departed... 1975 MAR 9 P. M. She had tremendous strength... And vitality.. So what...1975 MAR 28 A. M. Your hair has gone a funny colour... Used boot polish instead... Anyhow... He climbed up the drainpipe... He wanted her... Instead of his parents... Sometimes... He treated her with extreme tendernes... 1975 APR 5 A. M Fondling himself on the bus... In a terrible state... During the fifties... He was nomadic... Without an home to go to... His only thought... Was of incest... So he cut his own throat... With some garden secateurs...1975 APR 17 A. M. Without realising... F B... Was on to it... Those days of drifting ... Had ended... I can,t imagine why... You had nowhere to go... Thats simple... He has no money... You must remember... His innate generosity... Which surpassed the normal... They were... And still are... A striking couple...1975 APR 24 P. M. Her master astride her... Sundown was near... The head... Tossing him off ... A wild darling...1975 MAY 2 A. M. Wouldn,t you like... To leave... Why can you never answer me... And he lived... By the end of it... Was the last i seen of her... Leaving the varnish to dry... {She died of a stroke the following march}...1975 MAY 14 P. M. Was a sombre man... Whose withdrawn manner... Veiled a nature... Keenly curious... And watchful... The cars been here... I,d say twelve years... Dangled it above her... She kissed... And nuzzled it... Do you think you will be able to talk... Not whilst you,re doing it... My teeth... Will be biting down... On you...1975 MAY 23 A. M. I shall mourn her... And all three days were semen splashed... And shiny... You,ll catch a cold... She laughed... I,ve never been ill...1975 MAY 28 P. M. His heart failed him... He stumbled... And was dead... In front of a catholic hospital... On the outskirts... Of devon...1975 JUN 3 A. M. Thats you.re trouble... You think... Theres only one right way... To try and buy some... Black stockings... From a nun... The notion presented... One drawback... The nuns didn,t like being penetrated... So hard... Even though he was respectful... Snake allways... Appeared in his dreams...1975 JUN 11 A. M. Made him wonder... If he himself... Needed some penis action...1975 JUN 11 P. M. Superstitious Compulsively... More than anything in the world... His real... And only friend... Wished to be thought of... As a tough specimen... Though he was contemptuous of... Any exhibition of piety... 'Upset'... 'The lords prayer'...1975 JUN 24 A. M. At once responsive... Though he divined... In the cripple body builder... A prim... Smoky voice of a poet... Bring the boy to God... A piece of hypocrisy... An attempt to fool and betray... No one had ever truly understood him... Yet should he admit this.. And risk forfeiting.... The one true friend...1975 JUL 1 P. M. How was it possible... That so gifted a man... Should end up... Shovelling shit... Way above average... Intellectually... Evasion of the deeper... 'The human question'... Was plain to simpler minds...1975 JUL 9 A. M. He was sorry... But it was not for him... Heaven... Hell... Divine mercy... Load of old tripe... That he was deceived... And their friendship was false... Disheartened... But not disenchanted...1975 JUL 16 A. M. He had persisted... Courting controversy... On the eve of which... He wrote a farewell letter... Whose last paragraph ran... You are a women... Of extreme passion... A hungry women... Not sure where your appetite lies... A deeply frustrated woman... Striving to protect... Your individuality... Against a backdrop... Of rigid conformity... You need a good seeing too... You exist in a half world... Suspended between two heavyweights... All right... I give in... Yes... You are a twat... 1975 JUL 24 P. M. A strawberry stallion... He had raised... From a foal...